The Bowl of Cherries

Life is interesting. It never turns out the way you think it should.

And no matter how many times I say that to myself, I'm always surprised when things don't go the way that I was expecting...

I found out today that I may not have an assistantship for next year. I'm not freaking out yet, but that crazy-haired weaping screamer is just waiting to get out. It's so easy to think about all the bad things that might happen - like me not being able to stay in school, me having to work instead of pursue my education, my life going down the drain. It's just an ucky feeling.

And I wish it was for a better reason than "it wouldn't be a good fit." It's not that I didn't do a good job, I just had "glitches" when the rest of the TA's didn't - like I got sick, was up all night, and then somehow fell asleep and slept thru giving a quiz in my section; not even a test, a quiz, that was made up later. Or, I was given a tape of what I thought was the right presentation, and it turns out it wasn't, and that's my fault for not viewing it beforehand (even though I did look at it to make sure that it was cued up correctly); with this one, I don't even remember my prof realizing it wasn't right until 2 of the other TAs said it wasn't - she may have, but I don't remember it that way.

I "have made improvement" but I haven't been able to anticipate what my prof wanted, and even though I got no direction about what I should do, or any direction along the way, and even though I've never done this before and had to figure it out along the way, I guess I was just supposed to magically know through osmosis what I was supposed to do as a TA.

It's just a bum deal.

It's the worry that now, I won't be able to get any type of TAship for the rest of the time I'm in my program. And I want to be a prof - so how is that going to affect my chances of getting job? I mean, I can take Dorie's class and get the certificate, but I really want more experience. And I really LIKE teaching.

I don't feel like my prof really got to know me. She says that she realizes I had a really rough start, with the problems with my apartment, but she doesn't seem to realize JUST HOW MUCH crap I have had to deal with since I got here - my apartment has been a source of stress and distraction this entire year. I have never been able to unpack and put everything away and the mess is driving me nuts. I have a crappy landlord who doesn't fix things. My apartment for most of the winter was about 64* (never got about 68* ever). I've had real problems with my intestinal tract - so much so that I missed 4 classes in a 2 week time period and am having endoscopic surgery on the 1st of June to rule out celiac disease. And since I don't have an assistantship on the 4th floor, I don't really feel accepted by or a part of my cohort, because they never really talk to me, even when we have class together. So I haven't really been able to make many friends. I have depression, and that's been fun to deal with this semester.

So there you have it -- big problems with my apartment, my health, and my feelings of self-worth. My prof felt like I was "pre-occupied."

Man, I keep sitting here saying, if I hadn't gotten this stupid apartment. If only it had been another prof that might have taken the time to get to know me, help me, give me more feedback (but I guess when you're a TA, they're not supposed to have to do that, are they?) instead of one that had real family problems.

It doesn't matter that my students got a lot out of my class, and that they really liked me as a TA. That they liked the atmosphere and felt like it was a place that they could express their opinion without being afraid that they'd be stupid/wrong. It doesn't matter that I 'killed myself' working on stuff for class (I don't even *know* how many nights I stayed up all night or got 3 hours of sleep trying to get my grading done). It doesn't matter that I seem to have done more work - in terms of grading - than any of the other TAs. I won't say more work, because I don't know about that. But I gave a lot more feedback than any of the other 5. *That* I know for sure (observation and comments from some of my students who have friends with other TAs).

Man, this just sucks lemons.