A Whole New Chapter
It's now April 1st and a lot has happened since my last post. I have withdrawn from school and am now in Kansas City, MO, staying with my parents while I recover from a strong bought of depression.
That's something I'll probably be talking about more often as I blog more - my depression. It's something that I've had since I was a kid, but something that did not get diagnosed until April 2000.
I'd always gone through periods where I would feel very blue, but around age 20 it got worse. One December I was depressed the whole month. It partly was aggrevated in the spring when the pollen is in the air, and my allergies go crazy. But it started getting worse. I got my hands on a book that outlined the symptoms and decided that I needed to go on medication. (That plus the fact that in a 2 month time period, I thought about killing myself 30-40 times.) So I went to the doctor and asked for it. And after 2 weeks, it helped! It was like I got control of my brain back. Where before I couldn't stop my thoughts, now I could if I wanted to.
Between then and now, I have gone through Paxil (bad sleep side effects), Zoloft (horrible memory problems - so bad that I forgot friends' names, words, things I wasn't looking at), Serzone (memory problems and physical side effects), Celexa (less memory problems but every time I took it, I felt like passing out), and Wellbutrin.
The Wellbutrin worked well for about 3 1/2 years, up to the time where I went off to school. New environment, increased stress, and my depression kicked up. I attributed it to my apartment, rented to me by a slum lord! - there's a story!, which was so full of mold (that I am allergic to) that it made me physically sick. As in vomitting. I attributed it to having to make new friends and adjust to new expectations. I attributed it to the professor I was working for. I attributed it to a lot of things. I just missed the fact that the medication wasn't starting to work.
So, last May, it stopped working all together. And I crashed. I was suicidal - and it was worse than before because I was actually starting to think about how I would do it, not just thinking of it or wishing I would die. But thinking of what I needed to clean so that the apartment would be presentable, rubbing my wrists as I pondered how to cut them. And because it was becoming more real, I got help. Found a psychiatrist and a counselor and started working on the medication problem. (I did at one point try to find a psychiatrist, but only one that I called called me back, saying that she wasn't taking new patients at this time.) We added Lexapro to the mix, and that seemed to help. The suicidal thoughts went away. I was able to concentrate more, do more. I was able to build some more friendships.
But it never quite got right. And this semester, it just wasn't working.
So here I am. I finally feel like I have some energy - like I can face the stressful things that seemed so exhausting. I actually feel pretty happy and at peace - which is where I was at before all this started. I withdrew because I had missed at least 1/2 of the semester's worth of class, because I just couldn't handle going.
Living here is going to be interesting - just because I think that at some points my dad is going to drive me nuts. They came up to PA because I needed them to, but after they got there, my dad started driving me nuts, pushing me and bugging me. He just didn't get it that I couldn't do these things. He's kinda that way anyway, but I just worry now that he's going to be like that all the time. And I never quite noticed how he talks to think. And he just has strange ways of thinking about things. Like "I'm going to Wal-Mart = I'm going and do you want to go." You don't have to ASK the person to go, it's just implied. Unless otherwise stated. Or not seeing that second guessing someone is not trusting them... Umf!
But I think that it should be good - at least to take a little time off and not have the stress. And I'm kinda looking forward to getting a job - that's a kinda, because I'm not looking forward to having the be some place at 8 am. And I like being able to take a nap if I need to. But looking forward to using what I know...
So wish me luck!
That's something I'll probably be talking about more often as I blog more - my depression. It's something that I've had since I was a kid, but something that did not get diagnosed until April 2000.
I'd always gone through periods where I would feel very blue, but around age 20 it got worse. One December I was depressed the whole month. It partly was aggrevated in the spring when the pollen is in the air, and my allergies go crazy. But it started getting worse. I got my hands on a book that outlined the symptoms and decided that I needed to go on medication. (That plus the fact that in a 2 month time period, I thought about killing myself 30-40 times.) So I went to the doctor and asked for it. And after 2 weeks, it helped! It was like I got control of my brain back. Where before I couldn't stop my thoughts, now I could if I wanted to.
Between then and now, I have gone through Paxil (bad sleep side effects), Zoloft (horrible memory problems - so bad that I forgot friends' names, words, things I wasn't looking at), Serzone (memory problems and physical side effects), Celexa (less memory problems but every time I took it, I felt like passing out), and Wellbutrin.
The Wellbutrin worked well for about 3 1/2 years, up to the time where I went off to school. New environment, increased stress, and my depression kicked up. I attributed it to my apartment, rented to me by a slum lord! - there's a story!, which was so full of mold (that I am allergic to) that it made me physically sick. As in vomitting. I attributed it to having to make new friends and adjust to new expectations. I attributed it to the professor I was working for. I attributed it to a lot of things. I just missed the fact that the medication wasn't starting to work.
So, last May, it stopped working all together. And I crashed. I was suicidal - and it was worse than before because I was actually starting to think about how I would do it, not just thinking of it or wishing I would die. But thinking of what I needed to clean so that the apartment would be presentable, rubbing my wrists as I pondered how to cut them. And because it was becoming more real, I got help. Found a psychiatrist and a counselor and started working on the medication problem. (I did at one point try to find a psychiatrist, but only one that I called called me back, saying that she wasn't taking new patients at this time.) We added Lexapro to the mix, and that seemed to help. The suicidal thoughts went away. I was able to concentrate more, do more. I was able to build some more friendships.
But it never quite got right. And this semester, it just wasn't working.
So here I am. I finally feel like I have some energy - like I can face the stressful things that seemed so exhausting. I actually feel pretty happy and at peace - which is where I was at before all this started. I withdrew because I had missed at least 1/2 of the semester's worth of class, because I just couldn't handle going.
Living here is going to be interesting - just because I think that at some points my dad is going to drive me nuts. They came up to PA because I needed them to, but after they got there, my dad started driving me nuts, pushing me and bugging me. He just didn't get it that I couldn't do these things. He's kinda that way anyway, but I just worry now that he's going to be like that all the time. And I never quite noticed how he talks to think. And he just has strange ways of thinking about things. Like "I'm going to Wal-Mart = I'm going and do you want to go." You don't have to ASK the person to go, it's just implied. Unless otherwise stated. Or not seeing that second guessing someone is not trusting them... Umf!
But I think that it should be good - at least to take a little time off and not have the stress. And I'm kinda looking forward to getting a job - that's a kinda, because I'm not looking forward to having the be some place at 8 am. And I like being able to take a nap if I need to. But looking forward to using what I know...
So wish me luck!
posted by Elisa Day | 9:41 AM
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