A Whole New Chapter

It's now April 1st and a lot has happened since my last post. I have withdrawn from school and am now in Kansas City, MO, staying with my parents while I recover from a strong bought of depression.

That's something I'll probably be talking about more often as I blog more - my depression. It's something that I've had since I was a kid, but something that did not get diagnosed until April 2000.

I'd always gone through periods where I would feel very blue, but around age 20 it got worse. One December I was depressed the whole month. It partly was aggrevated in the spring when the pollen is in the air, and my allergies go crazy. But it started getting worse. I got my hands on a book that outlined the symptoms and decided that I needed to go on medication. (That plus the fact that in a 2 month time period, I thought about killing myself 30-40 times.) So I went to the doctor and asked for it. And after 2 weeks, it helped! It was like I got control of my brain back. Where before I couldn't stop my thoughts, now I could if I wanted to.

Between then and now, I have gone through Paxil (bad sleep side effects), Zoloft (horrible memory problems - so bad that I forgot friends' names, words, things I wasn't looking at), Serzone (memory problems and physical side effects), Celexa (less memory problems but every time I took it, I felt like passing out), and Wellbutrin.

The Wellbutrin worked well for about 3 1/2 years, up to the time where I went off to school. New environment, increased stress, and my depression kicked up. I attributed it to my apartment, rented to me by a slum lord! - there's a story!, which was so full of mold (that I am allergic to) that it made me physically sick. As in vomitting. I attributed it to having to make new friends and adjust to new expectations. I attributed it to the professor I was working for. I attributed it to a lot of things. I just missed the fact that the medication wasn't starting to work.

So, last May, it stopped working all together. And I crashed. I was suicidal - and it was worse than before because I was actually starting to think about how I would do it, not just thinking of it or wishing I would die. But thinking of what I needed to clean so that the apartment would be presentable, rubbing my wrists as I pondered how to cut them. And because it was becoming more real, I got help. Found a psychiatrist and a counselor and started working on the medication problem. (I did at one point try to find a psychiatrist, but only one that I called called me back, saying that she wasn't taking new patients at this time.) We added Lexapro to the mix, and that seemed to help. The suicidal thoughts went away. I was able to concentrate more, do more. I was able to build some more friendships.

But it never quite got right. And this semester, it just wasn't working.

So here I am. I finally feel like I have some energy - like I can face the stressful things that seemed so exhausting. I actually feel pretty happy and at peace - which is where I was at before all this started. I withdrew because I had missed at least 1/2 of the semester's worth of class, because I just couldn't handle going.

Living here is going to be interesting - just because I think that at some points my dad is going to drive me nuts. They came up to PA because I needed them to, but after they got there, my dad started driving me nuts, pushing me and bugging me. He just didn't get it that I couldn't do these things. He's kinda that way anyway, but I just worry now that he's going to be like that all the time. And I never quite noticed how he talks to think. And he just has strange ways of thinking about things. Like "I'm going to Wal-Mart = I'm going and do you want to go." You don't have to ASK the person to go, it's just implied. Unless otherwise stated. Or not seeing that second guessing someone is not trusting them... Umf!

But I think that it should be good - at least to take a little time off and not have the stress. And I'm kinda looking forward to getting a job - that's a kinda, because I'm not looking forward to having the be some place at 8 am. And I like being able to take a nap if I need to. But looking forward to using what I know...

So wish me luck!

A Brand New Year

I have decided that I will discuss one of my favorite topics on my blog a bit more often - movies. Video entertainment (that way it will include TV).

I can't say that I have a favorite movie, because I don't. There's too many that I enjoy to narrow it to just one. But I do know what movies I don't like.

I **don't** like scary movies. Or specifically horror movies. Anything that is designed specifically to scare you but is really gorey. Like the "Jason" movies or pretty much any Clive Barker movie. Event Horizon. House of Wax. The list goes on...

And also movies that are stupid. Like The Three Stooges. Or Dumb & Dumber. Or Ace Ventura.
Or most Will Farrell movies.

But then there are the good movies...

One of the best that I've seen recently -- Mr. & Mrs. Smith. I have seen that movie at least 7 times. I, of course, bought the DVD. And there are so many lines that are just classic:

"Sweet Jesus, Mother of God!"
"I was never in the Peace Corps." "Oh, I really liked that about you."
"5 or 6 years ago..."
"I said I saw your dad on Fantasy Island!"
"I can't believe I bought my real parents to our wedding."
"That's all John, sweetheart..."
"If you don't like them we can take them back." "All right, I don't like them." "You'll get used to them."
"Web of lies!"
"We have an unusual problem here, Jane. You obviously want me dead, and I'm less and less concerned for your well-being."
"Wait, why do I get the girly gun?" "What? Are you kidding me?"
"I never went to MIT. Notre Dame. Art History major." "Art?" History! It's reputable!"

Good stuff.

Happy Christmas and All That...

Well, it's Christmas time again. And I am finally done for the semester - although I won't be getting much of a break. Just a week, and then I get to take my qualifying exam. Ah! But I think I'll do OK - just have to keep my head.

And since it's Christmas time, tis the season for the Christmas movie... I love how they seem to show them all over the place - with that 'special' theme of family and being together. Of course, there's the Xmas romance - I did see one good one this year - 'A Boyfriend for Christmas' - that was a good one, with an intelligent relationship. Not the stupid: Guy's a jerk but she falls in love with him any way.' She softens his heart and brings out his good side. Gag me. I hate love stories like that - where the guy is a jerk, treats the girl like crap, and yet, she's intrigued. Where's the self respect?! And intelligence? Why don't women demand, through their actions, respect?

Okay, I'm about to tirade. Because I see it over and over again - where women get treated like crap because they put up with it... They have to rescue some guy, so they stay in relationships that are horrible... And because they don't demand anything better, men think that they can get away with it.

One thing I know, that is not going to be me. I am not going to be the wife that, after a hard day's work, comes home and makes dinner and does all the chores, while my husband sits on the couch.

Boy, how did I get off onto that one? Guess it's been on my mind. Such the Christmas spirit. I've watched a lot of movies with Santa being real. And miracles will happen! Because special things happen at Christmas.

Watching these movies made me miss my grandmother - she's only been gone a year and a half. Gosh, we used to have these huge Christmas gatherings. Grandma & Grandpa, their 3 boys, their grandchildren (8), and extended family. Everyone around the dinner table. And chaos. Inevitably, my uncle Dick and my cousing Doug argue, or my dad argues with them. My stepmother gets stressed out, so she's grumpy. My dad does stupid little things which only annoy her further, and so she glares at him across the table. And my grandma ends up crying over something.

One Christmas, I went to my best friend's house, and Christmas day, with at least as many people in the house - I had this 'whoa' moment, because no one was fighting. How can this be? Ah, the turbulence that is my family.

I am going to my family's in Maine. Yay! Snow! If I was going to my Aunt Gayle's, I'd inevitably get sick, most likely with the flu. It has happened to me the last 3 times I've been there for Christmas. One year, I had at least 102* temperature and just slept for 2 days. But I should be healthy this year. At least I hope so - because of quals.

But, I get to be with my family for Christmas, so it will be a good time. Yay.

The Bowl of Cherries

Life is interesting. It never turns out the way you think it should.

And no matter how many times I say that to myself, I'm always surprised when things don't go the way that I was expecting...

I found out today that I may not have an assistantship for next year. I'm not freaking out yet, but that crazy-haired weaping screamer is just waiting to get out. It's so easy to think about all the bad things that might happen - like me not being able to stay in school, me having to work instead of pursue my education, my life going down the drain. It's just an ucky feeling.

And I wish it was for a better reason than "it wouldn't be a good fit." It's not that I didn't do a good job, I just had "glitches" when the rest of the TA's didn't - like I got sick, was up all night, and then somehow fell asleep and slept thru giving a quiz in my section; not even a test, a quiz, that was made up later. Or, I was given a tape of what I thought was the right presentation, and it turns out it wasn't, and that's my fault for not viewing it beforehand (even though I did look at it to make sure that it was cued up correctly); with this one, I don't even remember my prof realizing it wasn't right until 2 of the other TAs said it wasn't - she may have, but I don't remember it that way.

I "have made improvement" but I haven't been able to anticipate what my prof wanted, and even though I got no direction about what I should do, or any direction along the way, and even though I've never done this before and had to figure it out along the way, I guess I was just supposed to magically know through osmosis what I was supposed to do as a TA.

It's just a bum deal.

It's the worry that now, I won't be able to get any type of TAship for the rest of the time I'm in my program. And I want to be a prof - so how is that going to affect my chances of getting job? I mean, I can take Dorie's class and get the certificate, but I really want more experience. And I really LIKE teaching.

I don't feel like my prof really got to know me. She says that she realizes I had a really rough start, with the problems with my apartment, but she doesn't seem to realize JUST HOW MUCH crap I have had to deal with since I got here - my apartment has been a source of stress and distraction this entire year. I have never been able to unpack and put everything away and the mess is driving me nuts. I have a crappy landlord who doesn't fix things. My apartment for most of the winter was about 64* (never got about 68* ever). I've had real problems with my intestinal tract - so much so that I missed 4 classes in a 2 week time period and am having endoscopic surgery on the 1st of June to rule out celiac disease. And since I don't have an assistantship on the 4th floor, I don't really feel accepted by or a part of my cohort, because they never really talk to me, even when we have class together. So I haven't really been able to make many friends. I have depression, and that's been fun to deal with this semester.

So there you have it -- big problems with my apartment, my health, and my feelings of self-worth. My prof felt like I was "pre-occupied."

Man, I keep sitting here saying, if I hadn't gotten this stupid apartment. If only it had been another prof that might have taken the time to get to know me, help me, give me more feedback (but I guess when you're a TA, they're not supposed to have to do that, are they?) instead of one that had real family problems.

It doesn't matter that my students got a lot out of my class, and that they really liked me as a TA. That they liked the atmosphere and felt like it was a place that they could express their opinion without being afraid that they'd be stupid/wrong. It doesn't matter that I 'killed myself' working on stuff for class (I don't even *know* how many nights I stayed up all night or got 3 hours of sleep trying to get my grading done). It doesn't matter that I seem to have done more work - in terms of grading - than any of the other TAs. I won't say more work, because I don't know about that. But I gave a lot more feedback than any of the other 5. *That* I know for sure (observation and comments from some of my students who have friends with other TAs).

Man, this just sucks lemons.

The Shock of American Idol

I had to post this! Last night, some how, Constantine got kicked off of American Idol. A man who was always in the top 3 suddenly is voted off. How, I don't know, but it happened. I thought for sure that this man was going to win - he had the voice, the personality, and the charisma. He had that 'it' quality that I expected from an Idol winner. (I mean, this is the first season that I've watched every week.) He knew how to work the camera, work the stage...

But, now he's off. And Scott Savol is STILL on the show. I have been expecting him to go home for a month now. The man keeps singing flat and he doesn't emote, but some how he stays alive.

I signed a petition requesting a recount/revote, because I really find it hard to conceive that the guy who had the most people cheering for him last week, is gone. Will it make a difference? I don't know. But I had to try.

One thing I found interesting -- over and over people said that they tried to vote on Tuesday and their call would either fast busy, rang blank air, or give a message: all lines busy or this line has been disconnected.

Of course, you have all these people claiming conspiracy theory, but I'm more likely to believe that the high gas prices are a conspiracy than to believe that. (And they are.)

My Very First Blog

Where to begin? I have a week left on my first year of my PhD, and it will not be over soon enough. Scratch that, if I had my three papers done, it would not be over soon enough... If you've ever wondered what it's like to be a PhD student, do I have stories to tell! Anything that could go wrong this year, I think, has. Literally.

I moved to a new city, where I knew barely anyone. My landlord, Rodney Hendricks, scheisted me into a crapper of an apartment where the mold was so bad that my plates molded after sitting in the dish washer for 2 days. And this is a building with "concrete walls."

It turned out to be the carpet - which it took ole Rodney a month of me harrassing him for him to bother even removing. I think he finally believed I was serious when I threw up in his office. So for the last 7 months, I have this crumbling dark brown tile with carpet glue on it. And no carpet.

My wall-unit air conditioner has some sort of mold or fungus in it so I can't use it without not being able to breathe. That was fun back in August. And in September/October before ole Rodney turned the heat on (my landlord pays for the heat, so he controls what and when it comes out), so I invested in a space heater. (Last weekend, my apartment was 61*.)

The apartment was completely dirty when I moved in - food particles left on the floor and in the cabinets.

The fan in the kitchen is so caked with nasty grease from the previous tennant that some of it has drizzled down the wall. And just stayed there, despite my trying to clean it. And the rest of the grease keeps the fan from going on, or then by some strange chance, from turning off.

The stove had drippings in the pan underneath the burners and, the worst!, there was some nasty rice gunk frozen in the pan in the main part of the freezer. Talk about nasty - I don't think I will ever forget how disgusting that was! I still gag to think of it.

The shower faucet was broken until about a month ago - after I bought the replacement parts. (And the sad thing is all these things are written down on that piece of paper you turn in at the beginning of your lease...) Before you had to jiggle the handle in order for any water to stream from the showerhead, but even then, you only got half the pressure. So, now, after it's fixed, a little bit of rust flows every time I turn it on, but at least most of the water comes out of the showerhead and doesn't go down the drain :)

The seat for the toilet broke soon after I moved in. Not the seat itself, but that small piece that connects it to the toilet. I jerry-rigged it with that tape with the string in it. You know, that clear yellowish tape. It's super sturdy, unless you knew to look, you'd never know it was broken.

The light in the hall -- one of the switches doesn't work. Thankfully, the other one works, or I would be out of luck.

So, that's my lovely apartment. I didn't mention that because school is so busy, I've never really been able to unpack and get settled. And then there's the adventure of the shelves...

Inspired by 'Clean Sweep,' I decided to mount some shelving above my desk. I drove to Lowe's and picked up the supplies and returned home ready to have a place to store my school-related stuff. I even bought a drill. But the concrete walls seem to prevent you from mounting anything. The screw wouldn't go in more than about a fourth of an inch. So, I decided to use nails, hammered in at an angle.

All seemed sturdy and solid -- I mean I wiggled and jiggled them to make sure that they were solid -- and all of a sudden, BAM! Everything that was on the wall is on the floor.

This wouldn't be that bad -- just a little picking up. But here's the sad part -- I'd bought these beautiful figurines when I was in the Philippines, and I had placed them on the small top shelf because it would be a nice display spot.

I think it took me an hour to recover all the pieces - and finding one of the heads was the hardest! It's so sad. But all the pieces fit back together, which is good. I still have to reattach one of the arms, because it just isn't sitting right, but that shouldn't be that hard.

So that's my first blog.